As a father of six, I can tell you that I’ve done a lot of things wrong. There have been times when I have jumped to conclusions, mistakenly believed what someone else told me about my son or daughter, or just lost my temper. I laugh when I see people claiming to be parenting experts, because my own experience has taught me that as soon as you think you’ve figured it out, at least some of the rules change. My wife used to love to watch the show “Super Nanny.” Super Nanny is amazing…no doubt about it. Still, I have often joked that I look forward to someday seeing the episode titled, “Super Nanny, Married with Children.”
While I may not believe in experts, my life has been enriched by lots of people that have successfully raised children that became functioning adults. I don’t fully ascribe to the “it takes a village to raise a child” theory. I think it takes committed parents. However, it may very well take a village to equip good parents. One of the many people I’ve asked to speak into my life as a dad summed it up pretty well. Someone once bragged to him about how well behaved his daughter was. He responded, “That didn’t happen on accident. I didn’t just win the kid lottery.” The point is well taken. Modern science has taught us that kids learn through mirroring. Learning to control ourselves is key to effectively guiding our kids. Some days I am good at this. Other days, I’m terrible at it. We should always be learning and growing. Allow me to share a quick flashback from nineteen-year-old Anna May…
Ms. Sue
Ms. Sue is the director of our church day care. Today she came in while Anna May was yelling at one of the kids to correct them. “No, no, no!”, Ms. Sue scolded. “We do not yell at children!” Legitimately confused, Anna May said, “Yes we do. Otherwise, they won’t listen.” Sue explained to her that it’s never ok to yell at children and that she had to learn a different way to communicate. When Anna May got home, she told me she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to make them listen. Adults in her life had always yelled at kids. It’s just what you do.
Donda
Anna May was legitimately confused about how to get kids to listen. Sue scolded her, but she didn’t really tell her how to do it correctly. Anna May decided she would start watching how other adults talked to kids. Anna May taught the two and three-year-old children. One day, a teacher named Donda walked in while all the kids were screaming. Quietly, she said, “If you can hear me, put your finger on your nose.” Anna May laughed to herself at this foolishness. However, she soon noticed a little girl get quiet and put her finger on her nose. Donda walked over to compliment the little girl and kept repeating, “If you can hear me, put your finger on your nose.” Pretty soon, most all the kids were listening and touching their nose. Anna May was in shock! I’m not suggesting that a gimmick like this is always the answer with young children. Still, the point is well taken. If we want to learn new ways to teach and to parent, we have to observe those who seem to be good at it.
Life Lesson
Lots of parents and teachers believe that kids will only listen if they yell. The reality is, we train kids to understand when they should listen and when it’s not necessary. If a child does not comply after being given instruction in a calm voice and no consequences follow, they learn that a calm voice is not authoritative. If that child then chooses not to listen when her parent’s voice is slightly raised and again, no consequences follow, the child learns that a slightly raised voice is not serious either. Very commonly, parents and teachers will not deal out any consequences until they get to the point where they are screaming. This communicates to the child that screaming is the only form of communication which carries any authority.
Changing this isn’t difficult, but it does take time. Direction needs to be given in a calm voice. If the child does not comply, the consequences of rebellion should be explained in the same calm voice. After that explanation has been given, there is no need for the person in charge to raise his/her voice. Simply deal out the consequences. Over time, when applied consistently, this trains children to understand that the adults in their lives are just as serious while calm as they are while emotional. Also, adults who regulate their emotions equip children to regulate theirs as well. Adults who yell teach children to yell. It’s called mirroring. Shouting should be reserved for moments of danger when shock needs to be created to protect the child. If adults always yell, children see nothing abnormal about shouting and will pay no extra attention. In the words of Ms. Sue, “We do not yell at children.”
Discipline Tip
Watch someone whose kids respect them and are generally well behaved and start asking that person questions. Effective parenting can be learned. A word of caution here…choose not to be offended before you ask. It’s popular today to just affirm everything, but some things actually need called out as ineffective at best or wrong at worst. Welcome people into your life that you trust to say the hard things to you. You’ll be glad you did.
Disclaimer
Especially when kids reach their teen years, it’s a bit naive to assume the parent can control every decision their child makes. Sometimes, they may do things that shock you. Remember that the teen years are basically an internship for adulthood. Teens need guidance without judgment. I do not mean that you cannot judge an action as wrong. What I do mean is that parents shouldn’t forget that we have all made mistakes as well. Don’t develop an attitude toward your own child that taints the way you look at him and takes away your right to speak into his life. Our kids need to know that we love them unconditionally, even when their attitude or behavior is completely out of line. Don’t blame yourself for every decision your child makes, but also don’t exempt yourself from all responsibility. We cannot always control our children’s actions, but we can choose our responses.